Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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