I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
