I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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