I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Everclear isn't food dammit
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
