Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
