i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
