if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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