I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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