at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
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