You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
