Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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