I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
