i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
