There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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