I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
