Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
