Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
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I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
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I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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