the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
