When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
