pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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