great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
