I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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