"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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