I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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