Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
