Old men and throwing up are my life now.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
