Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
