I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I just found puke in my bra..
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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