Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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