you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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