Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
