U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
