Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Maybe he injected his testicle?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
