youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
We got so high we made milksteak
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
