My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
