I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
