We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
