I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
