My girlfriend figured out who you are.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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