She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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