I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
third nipple confirmed
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
