Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
