I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
