Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Randomize
