Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
