Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
