Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
