I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Found your dick twin last night
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
