NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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