I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
